I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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