yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
