Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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