i just made my gag reflex go away.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
