She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
