I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
