Just fell off a train. Bad.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
