We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
