I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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