Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
