Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
