did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
