I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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