captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
