i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
