Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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