I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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