My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
