I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
