I can tuck mytits in my pants
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
