My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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