also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
