i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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