I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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