I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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