all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
