I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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