Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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