roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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