i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
