I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
