Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
