i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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