Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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