well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
