i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
