My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's blow job season.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
