I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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