oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My bed smells like the plague
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
