omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
this hospital has no fireball
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
