My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
