I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He passed out mid-signature
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
me + whiskey = a bad person
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
