Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
