I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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