im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
