my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
