And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
