I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Randomize
