$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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