I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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